Confusion really sucks

My Aunt died when I was only 9 years old.that's to young to lose someone. My aunt was my best friend, she understood everything. or i felt like she did. That was a very stressful day. everything was going wrong. I felt like my life was going down the drain. My whole life i just wanted to be a normal kid. wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, come home, and tell my mom how my day was. i wanted good grades. i wanted everything to be perfect and it was until the tragic night happened.
My mom was sitting in a rocking chair rocking me. i was feeling sick all that night. the next thing i know about around 8pm my cousin courtney came to the door. i was confused. my mom opend the door. she said " uncle rick died and aunty sharon is in the hopsital but carissa was okay". My mom and i ran into the bathroom and got dressed so we could go see aunty sharon and see how she was doing. when we were in the bathroom i sat on the edge of the tub and just broke down. i couldn't move. i couldn't breathe. i felt like my heart was slowly stopping and i just felt like i was going to collapse and die. we ran out to the van where courtney my cousin cory and my aunty robin was so we could get a ride.
Ran into the hospital and there were people from uncle ricks side of the family i didnt even know. the doctor came in and said we could go and see her. I ran to her room. I couldn't believe what i saw. she was laying there helpless. i didnt know what too do. she laid the on life support. her eyelids were blue. all i saw were tubes and machines hooked up too her and i was scared to go near her.I walked towards her and i just broke down right there. I left the room and went back to the waiting room.
While sitting there courtney gave me and my mom the whole story. she said they were on their way to a powwow. ther were driving down route 111 and a drunk driver hit them. i guess my ucle tried to save his family. he swerved and fell in a pothole. he banged his head on the dashboard. my aunty sharon got hit on her side of the door and right into her ribs. she stayed awake long enough to get told that her husband died. then she was gone into her own little world. she was in a world where there was no pain, no stress everything just happy and i think why cant i be in that world with her.
so i sat in that waiting room what felt like forever but it was on 20 mins. the docotr came in and wanted to talk to my mom. i walked out in the hallway with them. the docotr said that more than likely she will not wake up from the coma and if she does then she will be a vegitable. when she got hit her ribs got broken and her heart was hanging by a thread. the docotr said the best choice she thinks would be is to let her go. my mom said that she needed to talk to my grandmother since she was the parent.
My grandmother came in the next day. she tries to put on this tough act but you can see deep down she felt like she was going to die. you could tell everytime time she wanted to cry she would pick up a magazine and put it to her face. at one point i saw a tear run down her face. i went over and sat next to her and hugged her. we both cried together. i was feeling everything she was feeling. scared, lost, confused, and hurt.
my mom came over and told my grandma what the docotr said. my grandmother told my mom to do what was right. then my grandma left. my mom called in the docotr and told her to take her off the machines i screamed no. i said to give her a chance. i told my mom that the doctor could be wrong. they are not always right. she might come back and do her normal routine. she might go back to the happy person she was. the person i called my best friend. the person that was always there for me. the person i talked to about my mom cause she lived with her her whole life so she understood where i was coming from. my mom told me that she is getting taken off the life support because she wouldn't want to live that way.
I got to see her before she died. i went in her room and sat next to her and held her hand. she squeezed my hand. i thought she was trying to tell me to not let them take her off but what she was really saying is that it is okay to let her go. the docotr came in and told us that they were getting ready to take her off. i told her i loved her and goodbye. as my mom was at the desk filling out the paperwork i sat in her room just looking at her and crying and i felt like i was never going to stop. i told myself why couldn't it have been me. she needed to stay so she could be with her family and take care of my cousin. i told myself that what is the point of me living. i dont have any kids i just had my mom and my grandmother now and that just wasn't enough.
when they were getting ready to take her off my mom said me and her were going out in the waiting room. we went out there and i tried to go back to the room but she wouldn't let me. when she wasn't looking i ran around her and ran in there. they were taking out the tube and then as soon as i sat down next too the bed you heard the machine go off. BEEEEEEEEP!!! and it just kept doing that it didn't stop. i was hoping that all this was just a really bad dream and i was going to wake up from it. hoping when i did wake up that everything was going to be okay.
I lost my best friend that day. i felt like i was in a dark hole and there was no way out. i felt like my heart was going to explode. everything started going down the drain from there. my grades were dropping. i started doing drugs. had sex when i was ten. nothing was worth living for anymore. nothing ever felt important enough for me to care. i started treating my mo very badly. we fought all the time when i was home. i was never home and when i came home thats when hell got worse. i thought everything i was doing was going to take the pain away but once i was done it just came right back.
i first got arrested when i was 14. i was in there for 3 days i got put on probation for tabacco and curfew violations. the second time i went was 14. i went on march 23 2007. i was there for about two and a half years. it was not fun. i went for violating my house arrest which really sucked. i went out to go see this guy i was dating at the time. i was so stupid everything was just going wrong. nothing i ever did was right.
lets just say my life hasn't been to great. everything goes wrong and everything will continue to go wrong. maybe one day things will go right in my life.